By MARZIA D’AMICO.
YOU NEVER THOUGHT you could plant a bean in the desert in the belly heart shaped face your daughter-bean when in the belly the liquid the ultra sound they said she’s fine the bean just fine and well in the belly she’s always been fine just fine nice enough to be loved you know it’s ok to be scared the doctor said but you were not scared you were angry and so scary can be an angry man
you wanted her to leave in blood the water your daughter to free you from duties of command received it’s time to be a man man up up to the top of the pyramid bring home the bacon it’s funny she is plant based the bean the heart shaped face daughter surviving in water not drowning for her you had nothing but hell in your heart and no love but you’ve always been smart and never too keen so you told yourself to exercise more to exercise love
how to love a daughter is a thing to be loved isn’t she lovely her head as big as your hand isn’t she wonderful in white for the christening the priest says i want to use this new baptismal fountain i just got not from god from the devot’d and you splash in the baby the baby all purified later after being born not before oh no and you too should have confessed and you did but you should have confessed once again the daughter in water you wished she were dead
kiss the outie braid the hair help her blowing the candles on the cake she is three now three years survived despite you she is fine it was unfair to think you wanted her dead you felt more like she was never supposed to be there and that you wanted that you asked for blowing the candles for her not to be there not to be her or at least you surprise yourself thinking yes you wished she were a man your heart hard like the water in scotland cold like the water in scotland
she spins she is a fat ballerina she spins fast for a fat young lady with a body like a moon you wish she spun so fast she’d disappear she is too round and heavy on the ground she is and you never say that out loud but you look away from the stage at recitals on the day of parental parade and you think it’s ok because she will always be fine despite you she will always be nice well nothing more than while she wishes she was thin enough to disappear and you don’t know
a heart shaped face lovely girl yours fifteen years old now she’s out of the belly she came out of the belly you didn’t look you wouldn’t know the first breathing fine the crying nice the well enough bean from the belly the heart shaped daughter you never wanted and you never saw the last of all bubblegum tops and eyelashes she can read your mind makes a wish to disappear and sets you free without even saying goodbye
Marzia D’Amico is an academic and poet writing and performing in Italian, English, and Britalian. Her prose, poetry, translations, and cultural contributions featured on radio, on stage, on paper, and online. She collaboratively runs a monthly newsletter on transnational feminisms (Ghinea). This piece is part of an experimental project she’s currently working on. Another extract was recently published in Datableed.