‘TWO ROOKIE QUESTIONS: How does one candle reptile’s eggs? And what if the neonate is pipped but just won’t leave the shell?’ A parameter is needed to calculate the parameter. Yet a proto-chicken’s egg contains the embryo of the first chicken. This is the way to keep the question small, not using it to loose […]

‘TAME YOUR OWN lion with a rose-bramble whip. Its dung will frighten off deer from your flowerbeds; embolden your sweet peas.’ In the library of good earth the bindings are of muscle and sweat: the eternal apprenticeship. Unconsidered flyleaves are flags of faith – like the pages behind and ahead, seemingly inert. Study the seeding […]

‘SHE COPES WITH the phase of obedient moments, extending by a short renewable lease the longevity of everything breakable.’ When she leaves the room for breastfeeding, the committee carries on voting. In the chamber one problem is the ‘behaviour of honourable members’. The sergeant-at-arms is conducting a comprehensive review. Meanwhile, as she deals with papers […]

‘THE KITCHEN-GARAGE with a hubby hatch: this is now a must-have conversion in the suburbs of the redwood dream.’ The concept of wholesome living was the brainchild of a US architect elusive in the annals. In her spacious domain the triple goddess animates the frieze around her altar: cultured home cook, with giant spaghetti towers; […]

‘WHEN A BEE comes to your house, let her have beer: you may wish to repay the compliment one day.’ (Congolese proverb) Outer workers shiver their wings to heat the ball; inner and outer swap in shifts. The queen winters in the middle. Between combs is a patented bee space, just letting two bees pass […]

‘A GHOST WHO imitates the owl’s hoot has misunderstood the moonlight. The canny ghost gets hold of a sheet.’ On our side, seekers of asylum may find themselves in a cell of longing; on theirs, there’s an occasional mix-up over papers, or emotions may serve as a one-way shuttle, earthwards. Some punishment may also be […]

‘WINDOW TABLE COMPETITION IS a major cause of restaurant violence. Secure in our tenure, we gaze into each other’s eyes.’ Check for visual tunnels birds may imagine they can fly through. Keep your windows slightly dirty to emasculate reflections. After a burglary, angle a new window downwards – check first that your warranty won’t be […]

‘THAT WAS NO LIPSTICK: it was a chip she’d dipped in ketchup. A tiara would be the height of vulgarity.’ Imagine if her buckle spelled ‘Peace’ or bore the Toyota glyph unwittingly; or she named her daughter Toya. Not on your royal jelly! The palace is omniscient these days. Even the secret tattoo is chronicled […]