1 IN THOSE DAYS there were great rains and floods and the water lay a long time upon the land. Especially in Somerset, where a lamentation went up that the dredging of the rivers had been sore neglected by the servants of the Lord Smith.
2 For the servants of the Lord had collected a tax off the people and cast it into despoiling farmers’ fields with floods to make them playing grounds for the birds of the air. And dredging did they not nor spend much gold upon it.
3 And the silting of the rivers and the narrowing of their banks and the clogging of the drains made the watercourses to burst and overflow. And the land was flooded to left and right, destroying the crops and little creatures that had frolicked in the fields. Yea, even the birds that nested on the ground.
4 And the scribes in the great city eventually heard the people’s lamentations and said to themselves, This be a great tale to tell, full of human interest and backsliding by the masters.
5 And when the masters heard these tales and saw the images they were sore afraid lest their subjects account them fools and knaves and withhold their confidence at the times of polling. So they sent out their servants to buy wellies and waders, which they donned, along with sundry other outer garments as defence against the rain and the floods.
6 And they went to the lands that were flooded and spoke to the people but the people chastised them roundly, saying, Lackadaisical poltroons! Why have your servants neglected to dredge the rivers and why have they not brought sandbags and pumps to save our homes? But the masters could give no answers because they were simpletons and dunces.
7 BUT THE RAINS continued and the masters came and went, promising bags of gold and pumps from foreign lands and sending in the soldiers to accomplish what the servants of the Lord could not.
8 And all was not well in the land for certain scribes made noises, saying, Our masters are being economical with the verities. For they are not our true masters but merely the underlings of the Overlords across the water in the city of the Union of Europe whose edicts and laws they have been obeying.
9 For the rules of the Overlords state that the dwellers of the land must make space for water and the birds and plants that dwell there, even if it means the destruction of their own houses, for the newts and fishes of the lakes are to be accounted more than the sons of men and the reeds of the rivers more valued than the children of men.
10 And the dwellers of the land must not spread the soil from their dredging upon the fields and banks of the rivers, to fertilise the fields, as their forefathers had done since the days of Adam, but must take the earth to a waste pit and pay for it with their gold to be buried there. Which caused much lamentation and gnashing of teeth.
11 And yea! lamentations were heard also in the valley of the Thames where the rains had rained mightily and the waters flowed into fields and byways for the same lack of dredging and the lackadaisicality of the servants of the Lord.
12 Then some of the sick in mind among the prophets of disaster raised their voices saying, Verily it is the wrath of our goddess Gaia that has caused this great wetness. The emissions of the people are too much and the people have usurped the land from the newts and the fishes. A plague upon all who disbelieve for they have warmed the air too much and the clouds are upon us. Woe. Thrice woe. And all who disbelieve should be discharged from the service of the masters.
13 And some of those stricken in the floods and their friends on dry land turned to the Gaians, complaining bitterly, Yea, the laws you have made have filled our rivers with silt and blocked our drains. They have taken the coin from our purses to pay for the taking out of the silt. They have made space for the water where our homes and farms used to be and bade the rains swell our rivers. And the conies and hares and little running beasts that you love above us are floating dead in the fields of Somerset and the streets of Chertsey. Verily, you are a bunch of ecofascists and sons of harlots.
14 But the Gaians heeded not being a bunch of ecofascists and sons of harlots who hated humanity.
15 And in the great dry citadel the masters heeded it not either and spoke not of it for fear that the people should learn the truth and turf them out into the waters, saying, Begone, you wreckers and liars and lickers of toads.
16 AND SO IT was that the waters lay still upon the land for many a day while the laws of the Overlords remained without change. And the Lord Smith said The fault is not mine, I shall abide to the end of my term. The masters took off their wellies and proffered aid to the water-stricken, saying, Here be a bag of shekels for your sorrows. We have done what we have done according to the laws. Lessons will be learned and all shall continue as before.
17 Thus it was always and thus it shall remain, that the hypocrites rise to the top of the waters and float away like excrement from flooded middens. Amen.
