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The Coolest.President.Ever.

EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE America because they’ve got the Coolest President Ever, in the wondrous shape of Barack Obama. Just look at him, he’s so slim and cool-looking in his neat suits. But what’s better is that he acts cool without looking as if he was having to act cool. Nobody’s less cool than someone trying to act cool. But Obama’s cool is natural, that’s why he’s so laid back when the bad stuff comes his way.

And let’s not forget he’s black, so he’s got that special cool that white folks don’t have. And being black he’s also got that extra insight into oppression and colonialism and all that bad stuff western white people have been laying down on the rest of the world for so long. No wonder he cares so much about the poor and oppressed and wants to make sure they’ve got enough food stamps. Double double cool.

And he’s smart cool, as well, he’s so damn smart, the smartest president ever, he’s written books, so he doesn’t have to sweat the hard stuff. Sometimes he doesn’t even have to turn up. He just takes it in his stride and then knocks out a few rounds of golf or chills with some ultra-cool celebrities.

Just like the other day after the ambassador got roasted in Libya. Did Obama run straight off to the press saying how bad this stuff was and how upset he was, just like some old-fashioned type from the past? No, he’s too cool for that. No, he waited. He waited so long people were beginning to think nothing had happened after all. Then he calls a meeting and strides in all cool-like with his sidekick Hillary (not so cool, I’m afraid, but there’s always got to be somebody ugly standing next to the looker) and delivers the info.

This is where Obama shows his mastery of cool. Nothing cracks. No quivering lips. No emotion. He plays it like he’s ordering burgers and French fries in a suburban drive-through. This is everyday stuff to an important guy like himself. When he’s finished he folds up his papers and strides out all determined and statesman-like. Done. No questions for the Pres. No need. Too cool for that.

With all that sorted he’s off to LA to meet some of his gang in the music biz and tell them what a hard day he’s had. A couple of dead guys in some foreign land and all those others burning and a-looting around the world just like in some song and he’s not fazed a bit. That’s cool. America should be proud of him. He’s the Coolest.President.Ever.

Michael Blackburn.

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